It has been a rainy week here in Portland and I swear to you, I’m loving every minute of it.

There’s something about curling up with a blanket, coffee (or tea), and a book while the rain falls outside.

Man… it just doesn’t get any better.

Anyway…

I’m not here to talk about the weather so let’s get you what you came for, shall we?

Control isn’t safety, it’s fear… and it’s keeping you stuck.

Ok… that was a lot so let’s unpack it.

I’ve said this before but I’ll say it again… I’m a control freak.

Or rather, I WAS a control freak. Old habits die hard.

I grew up with a lot of trauma.

Walking on eggshells. You never knew when things would pop off.

So, I got used to controlling things.

If I could control things, I was safe.

Needless to say, that frantic need to control didn’t all go away once I got older.

I still find myself trying to control things… outcomes, where things are placed, the delivery guy.

I know, it has been a problem.

Seriously, it just feels so sh*tty to always be on guard, wanting others to behave how I think they should, wanting the restaurant to serve my food a certain way, and being triggered if one thing is out of place in the living room.

It leaves me feeling anxious and uncomfortable constantly.

Can you relate?

So, I decided I don’t want to live like this anymore.

I know it’s a protection mechanism but enough already.

What I discovered…

When I started exploring my need to control, I realized that I was afraid that if I give up control and let whatever happens happen, I might get hurt. I might feel pain.

But that’s not what ACTUALLY the way it works.

What REALLY happens when I let go of control is I’m just exposing the feeling of hurt and pain that’s already there.

And what’s what I need to heal.

By controlling things, I’m keeping that pain near and dear to me. And it’s keeping me stuck.

Stuck from deep relationships, happenstance, and chance. So, I’m choosing differently.